


it's cute. it's complicated.

by StudioCapsicum



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Episode 105 spoilers, F/M, I just think they could've spent a lil longer on Caleb losing his memory, Memory Loss, caleb is happy, then caleb is not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:22:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25765138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StudioCapsicum/pseuds/StudioCapsicum
Summary: What if the group didn't cast Greater Restoration on Caleb quite so quickly?
Relationships: Jester Lavorre/Caleb Widogast
Comments: 12
Kudos: 187





	it's cute. it's complicated.

There were a few disgruntled groans from the group as everyone awake that morning. Wearily rubbing his eyes, Caleb was surprised with how good he felt. Light. He usually wasn’t a morning person but with the sounds of the ocean, his friends around him, some of them more energetic than others, he was in a good mood.

‘Hey Fjord, you ready for your morning push-ups?’ Beau lightly ribbed him, walking away from the dome and grinning, with Fjord following behind begrudgingly. 

Caleb felt himself smiling as he watched them, not particularly wanting to move away from this moment. He watched Yasha sigh as she picked up her sword and started cleaning it a little bit away from the camp.

Everyone went to do their thing and Caleb sat up, stretching lightly - the dome wasn’t the most comfortable place to sleep, but Frumpkin stretched in Caleb’s lap, like father like son. Sunlight flickered into the dome, making patterns across his skin and he excitedly stood, pushing Frumpkin off his lap, when he saw Caduceus and Jester making tea and breakfast over a small fire. 

‘Breakfast will be ready soon,’ Caduceus said while Caleb made his way over. 

‘Ja okay, it smells really good.’ Caleb smiled, rubbing his stomach as it growled, making Jester laugh. Now that was a beautiful sound. 

Caleb walked back towards the beach and looked out over the horizon. The sky was clear, blue as far as the eye could see. The water gently rolled over his feet, leaving them slightly chilly in the cool morning air, but Caleb shucked off his shirt and with a quick glance to see if anyone was watching - they weren’t - he left his pants in the pile and quickly waded into the ocean. 

He’d done this in Nicodranas before but feeling the cool ocean water through his hair, the salty taste in his mouth as soon as he ducked his head under the water - everything felt pretty good. Being at the beach with his friends, that was a good day. 

He floated on his back, letting gentle waves wash over him, then warming up as the sun shone down onto his stomach. He was close enough to his friends that he could hear their voices lightly chatting, and he felt serene. 

There was a thought that washed over him occasionally that he shouldn’t be this serene, that something was off, but he brushed over that. It wasn’t important. 

Eventually he heard calls from the group, calling out to Beau, Fjord and himself. Breakfast was ready. Caleb swam back to shore, before pulling his pants back on and running his hand through his hair, trying to dry it off. His pants stuck to his skin but he walked back to the group, placing his shirt back into the dome before grabbing a bowl of food off of Caduceus and sitting in the sun with the rest of the group and digging in. Caleb would never figure out how Caduceus made such delicious meals with the meagre supplies they had, but he was always thankful. 

‘This is very good thank you Caduceus.’ 

Caleb didn’t notice the discerning eyes on him as he ate, some looking appreciatively at his chest and the dusting of hair on it as he ate. The way the sun shone over his pale skin, the way his hair was slicked back from the water. 

‘So what is the plan today?’ Fjord asked, his mouth full of food. 

‘We figure out how to draw Vokodo from his lair?’ Beau offered, ‘I don’t really want to fight him underwater.’ 

The group nodded and started discussing the problem, but Caleb distractedly looked at his forearms as he ate, noticing the thin white lines spiralling across them. Dropping his fork, he lightly traced one of them from his wrist, all the way to his shoulder. It looked like lightning forking across his skin. Had he always had these?

‘Caleb?’ he heard Veth say, jolting him out of the moment. 

‘Ja, hi, what?’ he grinned boyishly, ‘sorry, I was not listening.’

‘I was just asking if you had a spell that could help me talk to d’turtle, Caleb.’ Jester said, and Caleb couldn’t help chuckling,

‘Ja, I have a spell so you can talk to d’turtle,’ he replied, casting it immediately. Jester always came up with the funniest names for things. 

But now she’d understand Zemnian, so he said, ‘Now you should understand Zemnian as well.’ 

She looked surprised at that, her mouth widening as she realised that the words that usually sounded quite harsh to her ears actually made sense, and that his voice was actually quite pretty when it wrapped around Zemnian words. 

‘I do! I do understand you now!’ she replied, ‘wait, can I speak Zemnian now? Caleb, am I speaking Zemnian right now?’ 

He smiled at that, and replied so that only she would understand, ‘Ja Blueberry, you are. It suits you, it’s cute,’ the rest of the group looked on, confused, mostly at the fact that Jester had just blushed and that Caleb was smiling so much. 

Jester rapidly turned around and started speaking rapidfire Zemnian to the rest of the group before trying to figure out what to say to the Dragon Turtle. Caleb watched her the whole time, again wondering why this morning felt different to other mornings. He finished eating, and joined in on the playful conversation happening about the Dragon Turtle before going back to his things and finally getting dressed for the day after a lazy morning in the sun had slightly reddened his skin. 

As he was dressing, he slung his book holster over his shoulders. One full of his spells and the other-. The other one had. It was about- Funny. He couldn’t remember at all. 

He cracked open the cover and started skimming it. It was written in his own handwriting and yet, he didn’t remember writing it. He usually had such a good memory. 

Flicking through the pages, he resisted at one in the centre, a charcoal drawing, slightly smudged, of a burning house. Scrawling black lines marked against the white page. Flames larger than the house itself. 

Caleb couldn’t stop staring at it. This was his book. He’d drawn this? It wasn’t good art, the lines were wonky, there was no style or technique. It almost looked as if he’d shoved his finger in some charcoal and hastily scribbled this out of necessity. As if he needed to get it out of his head. 

He flicked to another page, this time there was writing. There was a whole section on atonement, on whether it was worth trying to atone when someone knew there was no way to fully atone. 

He flicked again, this time there were rudimentary drawings of his friends. ‘Maybe my purpose is to make their lives better, but how do I do that without dragging them down with me?’ 

Caleb felt sick and he didn’t know why, his stomach churned with the idea that he’d written this. He’d drawn those pictures. There was something he needed to atone for and he couldn’t remember what. 

He didn’t find answers in the second half of the book, so he flipped to the start and tried again, not wanting to find out what had happened but needing to. 

‘Dear Una and Leofric. Mother and Father. I am sorry. This journal is the last thing you gave me before I murdered you.’ The last three words were underlined. ‘You told me to use this to write what I was feeling, because there was a lot I couldn’t tell you about the academy. I didn’t think I needed it then, but I’d like to use it now. I miss you and I’m sorry. 

Your son,   
Bren Aldric Ermendrud.   
Now Caleb Widogast. (I’m not worth the name you gave me anymore.)’

Caleb’s mouth hung ajar as he read the opening page in the journal. It couldn’t be true. 

He heard Jester’s voice over his shoulder, ‘Caleb? Are you okay?’ 

‘I killed them?’ he whispered, the words tearing from his throat. ‘How could I forget that I killed my parents?’ 

Jester was taken aback initially by the information he’d never told her previously, but interrupted his words by casting greater restoration, just in case he admitted something else wasn’t ready to tell her.

She watched as his shoulders sagged as the spell took effect. As he seemed to grow smaller. The realisation that he’d only been in a good mood that morning because he’d forgotten his past hit her and she felt tears welling in her eyes. He’d played into the jokes she’d made that morning. He’d called her cute. He’d been more open and carefree than she’d ever seen him. She already missed his smile, the small dimples on his cheeks and the way his laugh sounded as it rumbled in his chest. 

‘I’m sorry Caleb. I’m sorry I didn’t notice.’ 

‘That’s, that’s okay Jester.’ He could barely breathe, not only had everything come crashing down on him again but he’d told her. ‘It’s better this way.’ he managed to get out before trying to walk away, but she reached out and grabbed his arm and pulled him towards her. 

He was stiff and uncomfortable as he hugged her, but it lasted long enough that he caved in and softened, hugging her back. 

She whispered in his ear in Zemnian, ‘I’m sorry Caleb. I’m sorry I didn’t cast the spell earlier. I think I kind of wanted you to actually be that happy.’ 

She could feel his breath, uneven and shaky as he held her tighter, as though he didn’t want to pull away and have to see her face. 

‘I’m sorry I told you like that.’ 

Caleb couldn’t understand why he was still hugging her, he didn’t want to talk about it but her hand was gently stroking his hair and her other hand rested in the middle of his back, pulling him closer to her. She deserved so much more than a friend like him. 

He hated himself for enjoying this hug, for not pulling away from her grip as soon as she’d pulled him towards her. 

‘I don’t think any differently of you. You’re still a good friend.’ 

He heard her words, her mouth rolling over the syllables of Zemnian, traces of her Nicodranian accent affecting the words in the most adorable way. 

‘I think differently of myself.’ He said, finally pulling away and hoping that the facial expression he made was reassuring, that he’d be alright, that he’d get used to it because this was his norm. 

She just thought he looked sad.

**Author's Note:**

> I will write a billion different ways that Jester finds out about Caleb's parents until I manifest it in the show thank you and good night


End file.
